Letter

You wrote me a letter

In your cute handwriting

That I always tried to copy

Because I loved the way

You wrote your A’s

:

You tucked it

In between the blanket

You dropped on my doorstep

While I pretended

I wasn’t home

Because I couldn’t get myself out of bed

To come see you

:

I didn’t care to ever see that blanket again

I knew it was gone

The second you sent me that text at ll:ll

And I lost my shit at my phone

:

It ended up across the room

My body flung from my bed

Gathering everything you ever gave me

Showing it all into a birthday bag

:

That bag sat in my closet

In a hidden corner

For 2 years

Because I didn’t have the heart

To throw away

The only thing

I had left

Of us

The only thing

I had left

Of you

:

Pictures could prove

That we were each others everything

But there was no trace of you

In my bedroom

That you once called your bedroom too

:

The first time

I read your letter

I laughed

A subtle

Quiet

Laugh

By myself

On my bed

:

The second time

I read your letter

Was to my mother

And we laughed

But it felt different

Because my throat stung with every word I said out loud

:

The third time

I read your letter

Was to my best friend over the phone, late one night

That choke in my throat

Was a little more apparent

But we laughed anyway

Before I put the letter away

:

The fourth time

I read your letter

I sobbed into my sheets

And wondered what was wrong with me

How do I fix

Me

And us

And this

But really

How do I fix everything I ever did

:

The fifth time

I read your letter

My therapist had to take it out of my hands

And tell me

This letter

Should never have to be

Read again

:

The sixth time

I read your letter

I brought a razor to my wrists

“Just do it quickly”

Cut

And

Cut

And

Cut

But my mother caught me in good time

She wrapped her loving hands around my wrists

And I laid in her lap as I cried

I asked her why?

Why me, why this, why now, why her

Why?

:

My mom always knows the answer

But she shook her head at me

And shrugged her shoulders

As a tear ran down her cheek

:

The seventh time

I read your letter

Years had come and passed

I just smiled

And hoped

You were doing better

And I tucked it back

Under my mattress

:

I turn 18

In less than month

And I haven’t talked to you

Since before my

16th birthday

The birthday every teenage girl dreams of since before they could speak

The birthday all the movies exaggerate

The birthday all songs sing about

:

My sweet 16

That wasn’t all that sweet

Because you weren’t there

When I needed you most

When I needed you to show me that you cared

:

If I see your letter now

I’ll wonder why I never threw it away

And I’ll read it one more time

Before putting it back under my bed

Remembering

Why I never threw it away

In the first place

:

Who knew I’d have to act 25

At only 15

-Lizzy Grant 🍒